I don’t know.
People seem to worry a lot about me these days since I’m horribly quite and distant. It is perfectly understandable. But honestly, until now, I have to say that I’ve felt better. I’m close to feeling fine and peaceful at heart. I’m not going to lie to myself that I’m the most cheerful and positive person at the moment. Of course, I don’t look my best either. I don’t like how I look in the mirror, my skin is bad and I’ve gained weight. I think I look the worst, like ever. I couldn’t care less about my outer appearance. The only thing I want to work on right now (when I’m sane and not in deep & shitty thoughts) is working on my mental health.
It hasn’t been a smooth journey. But I think I’ve done the right thing, disappearing from the public eye for a while. I mean, knowing me, I wouldn’t have been able to cope with people and what they would talk about me. Please spare me with all the “You shouldn’t let people and that they say define you” shit. Sorry I’m not that mentally strong. Words are like blades to me. They kill. I’d stay far away from them, as far as I can.
I’m glad that everything has shimmered down and not as heated. I’ve kind of found peace with I do although it still hit me hard every time a memory flashed in my head, be it a bad or good one. Most of the time I have been avoiding thinking about all the bad things I’d been through. But when I do, aside from it caused me to continuously dwelling in what I’ve lost and the supposedly bad things I’d done in the past, I understand and see myself now clearly more than ever. I see the boundaries that I’ll never be able to cross.
I’m first hand a helpless romantic, and I have the most ridiculous ideals what are not anywhere easy to meet. It is important that I have to live my fantasies. It occurred to me that I was the happiest when (my “boundaries” can be identified underneath the surface of these simple words too).
- I’m alone by myself, away from the noise & dazzles of the outside world
- When my favorite music is on, and I’m not afraid of the memories that my favorite songs will bring. Songs always come with memories to me, like smells do. They always bring me back to a certain point of my life and the person involved in that particular memory. Happy memories in the past scare me sometimes because I know I can’t relive them. Today this problem got better, I’m not scared of music anymore. Songs are just songs. I really don’t think much when I’m pouring my heart out like this.
- When I’m around the people I grew up with, laughing at our inside jokes
- When I’m able to write what’s in my mind
- When I’m around a familiar & understanding soul
- When I’m living my fantasies. This doesn’t mean that I have to be in a romantic relationship when things can get quite physical. I liked it best whenever I looked at someone from afar (or from a relatively near distance), and I’m satisfied with what I see. The person doesn’t have to love me back. Like I’d look at someone & feel his aroma, and I’d think “What a beautiful sight!”. I honestly like my lame & vulnerable self better. When ugly reality hit me like a fucking wrecking ball, I’d bail out. That is just me.
- When I get to look up and idolize whomever I’m with
- When it was just us two, untouchable and alone together in our own world
- Everything happens at the moment can be translated to Taylor Swift’s songs. Period.
*Side note to add to 9. : I mean, I’m nowhere near to Taylor’s level of fame, talents and all (I hallucinated all the craziest shit but I’m not that delusional to think of myself at her level) but we’re practically the same person. I can feel it in the lyrics of her songs. People judge her when she moved from this handsome & great guy to another but gurllllll… I feel ya 100%. People like her and myself won’t compromise. End of story.
Taylor needs materials for her songs to feel like she is living. Her fantasies are her songs. My fantasies are either in my head or in my writings. They are unrealistic, out of this world, full of lies & butterflies and love at first sight and the smell of his shirt and the sight of him and his voice and his smile and our dramas, our fights and us parting ways. They are my coping mechanisms. So, I feel you, girl.
People like us build the world of our own and refuse to settle for any less. It’s not commitment issue, I figured. I’m all for commitment but chemistry to me is WAYYYYYYY more important than having a boring stable relationship. Not that I never longed for stable relationship… I did, at times. To me, in order for anything romantic to last, it has to be very… pretty & happening.
I think in my 29 years of existence, I’ve met a total of 5 people who were able to provide those ridiculous things for me so far. I was able to stay away from 2 of them after a while because it was simply not right to pursue although they gave me fireworks every time they were near. To call what I felt to those 5 people butterflies would be an understatement, there’s no such thing. I think I was always very clear & obvious when I liked someone. I think they all felt it coming like a fucking train. I think all of those guys all caught feelings and they really cared about me. It is very hard to ignore me regardless of the crazy shit I sometimes do.
I could state like 20 Taylor Swift’s songs here to prove my points but I’d use Nathan Hartono’s song “Electricity” instead.
I remember 3 of them 5 told me I’m such a crazy person, one constantly asked me if I wanted to seek professional help, one said that I belong to a mental institution and that I’m a “crazy woman” but… look who also got hooked. All of them. It was never me to call it quit first. Look who’ll end up being their forever tattoo regardless whomever they are with. Well, one of them I managed to keep forever wondering. This may sound madly sickening to some people but I somehow find very amusing. I’d very much prefer pretty things to stay exactly where they were, with me in them. They can move on however they want but as long as I know I kept them up at night and occupied their minds, I’m good.
A bright lights
But brighter eyes you have
Never looked this beautiful
As you do tonight
Time in space
Erased, it waits for you
Look so perfect that I could die
I’m giving you all the love
I’m giving you all
Every second with you feels like magic baby
Come on over here
You feel it
When we get near you start to roam
Electricity, don’t need it
Both of us are set to explode
(Electricity – Nathan Hartono)
I rarely regretted my decisions although I myself look like a train wreck executing them at times. Things always happened exactly how they were supposed to. I’m not sorry for anything I’ve done although I have to admit that damages were done, people were hurt, myself included. And this is not fair for them. I was such a selfish bastard.
But… If I can be completely honest with myself, I’d have gone with my heart even more instead when it came to romantic relationships. Look at the one time I decided to be “realistic” and “rational” when it comes love, I was the unhappiest and I could never made peace with myself. I dragged a decent person to hell with me. I guess I really have to see & witness misfortunes to believe in them. Otherwise it’d be impossible to convince myself. I guess a lesson hard learnt taught me a very valuable lesson.
I only realized how much chemistry meant to me until recently. I HAVE to feel constant attention & chemistry in order for my mind to stop wandering and feeling restless. Whatever I receive, I know I’ll give back 10 times more in return. I worship the person I give my heart to to the point that I sometimes looked pathetic.
Ah, then came the restlessness when my emotional needs weren’t met. When it causes recklessness, that’s the worst. And the rest was history, somewhat ugly. Something will be bound to be broken and shattered in pieces.
Well, the only one thing that I still feel rather lucky about is that until now, no one seems to hate me although I did them some damages when I left them (or decided to be linked with them… romantically).
In short, I need to be obsessing over and addicted to someone to keep me interested. Like morphine, nicotine & heroin (I took these out of Camila Cabelo’s “Never be the same”). The thing is that, addiction can be cured with my strangely strong will power (when I have finally realized that this is toxic or I’m unable to endure). I can when I want to. That’s it. I’ll leave them when I’m sober.
Well, I guess one of the baby steps to make peace to myself is to recognize the pattern. My pattern is… *drum rolls please… Taylor Swift songs haha. Surprise surprise! Romantic relationship is everything that I am. Like, my love life is nothing but a series of Taylor’s and some other random songs.
- You belong with me
- Back to december
- Wildest dreams
- Love story
- Best friend (by Jason Chen)
- Getaway car/Gorgeous/Versace on the floor (le wild Bruno Mars’ song appear)
- Call it what you want/King of my heart
- New Year’s day
*I know who’s who and it’s freaking amazing. I do adore my fantasies at times.
In conclusion: I’m really not as mental as I would like to think of myself. Depression aside, for me, love and absolute solitude will cure or worsen everything. It depends 🙂 Well, this has really encouraged to look forward to what to come.
Phew…. it felt good to finally be able to put what’s in my head into words.
I can’t wait to reading what I’ll be able to write down. Until next time, “crazy woman”!
I’m glad that I’ve slowly made peace with myself & who I am as a rather difficult individual.
I’m quite curious of whoever will cross my path now that I’m starting to realize everything happened for a reason and most importantly, what I like and what I don’t. What I can live with and what I can’t.
*Knowing all these shit about myself, I wonder if hopes will still exist and whether I’ll ever be happy again.
“So it’s gonna be forever, or it’ll go down in flames. You can tell me when it’s over, if the high is worth the pain. Got a long list of ex lovers, they’ll tell you I’m insane. But I’ve got a blank space baby, and I’ll write your name.”