The exes

Ok, let me say this first. I LOVE everything told, sung, and written about the exes. Aren’t they just sooooo fascinating? We smile lovingly thinking about happy memories. We cry listening to Sam Smith singing “But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry. And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry. And every time you walk out, the less I love you”. We let out certain swear words when we tell our friends about that bastard who cheated on us and we never really loved him anyway (we did). We’ve had exes. We are the exes that other people loathe and sing nasty songs about. What more can you relate to?

I loved Ariana Grande’s song “Thank you, next” from the very first seconds I listened to it. What a catchy tune! Huge tune! She made singing about the exes (with their names on it) so effortlessly elegant. I think out of the songs written about the exes, this particular one made me think about my own. I mean… They’re all very nice, decent guys. And I, too, have A LOT to thank them.

I have one that taught me love – he’s the one that got away. Yes, he’s the one with the nice, shining smile I always write about. I never knew love until him.

I have one that taught me patience – he was my best friend, but now we’re not. He was present, but never really there for me. I always felt lonely and alone in the relationship. We did have fun and created fond memories together but I never felt so relieved when I got out of the relationship. We really should have stayed friends instead.

I have one that taught me pain. For the first time in my life, I was literally on the floor, sobbing, begging for someone to stay. It was not pretty. I was such a mess (but a pretty hot mess at the time , he did come back over and over again – I think he enjoyed the scene a little). He was there for me, picking up my broken pieces and kept me warm while it lasted. I never loved and hated someone at the same time that much. I never slept so well next to anyone my entire life.

There are more on the list, but if they didn’t teach us anything, why bother mentioning right? I mean, can’t we JUST. MOVE. THE. HELL. ON? Ariana and Taylor Swift didn’t put all their exes’ names in their songs. I mean, why would they right? Especially when the guy’s name doesn’t… rhyme. That’s the BIGGEST no no.

Still, I have mixed feelings about this being grateful and thanking the exes trend on the Internet. My god, every Instagram caption, every Facebook post… everyone be thanking their exes like they’re all bidding goodbyes at their exes’ wakes. People really can’t stop showing that they’re soooo grateful for their exes, and then comes the self-loving. Since when everyone’s become so grateful? What about ” I hope she’s getting better sex. Hope she ain’t fake it like I did”? (Shout out to my ex – Litte Mix) and the forever iconic “You cheated  – I hate you” anthem “Cry me a river” by Justin Timberlake? And “Damn I heard that you and her been having issues? I wish you the best. I hope she can fix you. You’ll be calling me the second that it hits you. But baby, this is none of business”? (Cher Lloyd made it super chill in her latest hit “None of my business”)

Oh how we LOVE to hate our exes and other people’s exes too. I’ve come across comments like “Well, the song (Thank you, next) is nice. But I’m not sure it speaks to me at all” which got a lot of “likes”. I mean, I totally get it. How I wish I haven’t even MET some of my exes too… Some of us out there are not that lucky when it comes to the relationship department. I mean, if you decide mention your exes, do it like Ariana Grande. Give us names! I mean, seriously, be a badass and call out their names. Sure, we don’t know your exes in person but it’s more heartfelt and convincing when you throw in names. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a coward myself. I never put names but I numbered exes when I wrote about them, the way Hasan Minhaj called Trump “Forty Five” or the magic world of Harry Potter calls Voldermort “He-who-must-not-be-name”.  I’m sure my exes will know I’m writing about them if they read what I wrote but it’s not likely I’ll ever let that happen.

Have you ever wondered what kind of an ex are you? What do you call the kind of ex who was soooo loving, caring, wonderful at first and then disappear into the nothingness right when she senses something is fundamentally wrong (accordingly to her) about the relationship? The kind that moves on very fast? Well, that’s the kind of ex I was.

Do I believe in staying friends with our exes? No. It’s a very bad idea unless you are both in happy relationships and no one holds nasty grudges against the other. Which is quite rare I must say.  I happen to have pretty cool exes whom I still like to talk to once in a while but I’ve also received stupid drunk calls/texts, ugly crying, messages accusing me of everything bad under the sun from them AND their new woman (bitch please! I left the guy). So no thank you.

I’ve heard horror stories from my friends of their exes cutting themselves, lying on the crowded street (with traffic) after they broke up (as a suicidal attempt I guess?). They threw in the word “crazy” very often. I have to say, I myself have pretty dang crazy moments in the past too.

/I’ll be all “Ewwww my god, who are you calling crazy? YOU are crazy”. I’ll Kim-K cry like I really mean it./

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Anyway, that wouldn’t last long, when it’s really over, I’ll be back to my very interesting, drama-free, thoughtful & like-able self that you fell in love with. I’ll make it impossible for you to hate me. We’ll always have something in common. You’ll always find it fun sitting at our favorite cafe talking just about everything and anything with me. I will recognize your cologne from afar. I will know exactly what you’ll order, and we’ll sharing food like the old times, like we never parted way baby. But we did. Isn’t it a sad situation? No? Okay.

I was quite curious of the kind of ex I am, and I found this quiz online. And it’s a little weird if I call my exes to ask them right? So taking an honest quiz it is! I can’t say I’m very surprised with the result that I got:

You always leave your exes better than you found them. 
- true! 
Each time you think they could be the one (because you don't really waste your time in relationships otherwise), 
- this is not very true though, most of the times I dated someone just because I like them. I did find this one, and he was indeed THE one, but the one that got away. I left him for someone that I thought was the one but little did I know he was already very wrong for me from the start.

and as soon as you whip them into the perfect partner, it's over.
- sadly, it's kinda true

Either because you get bored or they meet someone new. 
- I ALWAYS got bored/tired, and they NEVER met anyone new.

Then they inevitably marry the very next person they date. 
- now, this is very true.

Ugh! You might want to try finding someone that's already right for you to start! If you're always drawn to fixer-uppers, this irritating trend may continue.
- Okurrrr, I hear ya. 
Moral of the story: I should not be allowed in any kind of romantic relationship. 

 (Link of the quiz: What kind of ex are you)

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