i don’t know why growing up,
i was never someone who always asked for help
or voluntarily went to someone for advice & comfort.
and that, for a child, is very sad.
i was that kid who used to look over my kindergarten’s gate wishing i was set free
who never understood what’s so fascinating about counting and those funny little characters
i was that kid who was a class president, expected to be all around perfect –
accused by a classmate of something i never did,
then punished wrongly by the adults.
i was that kid with too big of a personality,
very easily offended and hurt by careless and hurtful words.
i was that kid who once made it to the school’s sport team,
but didn’t understand the rules, and was always too scared to ask.
i was that kid who never shed a tear when i was beaten for not doing –
and not being able to do my homework,
but would sob for hours while letting the water run,
so my parents couldn’t hear me.
i was that kid who’d wear long pants to cover the bleeding on my knees,
for i was so afraid of being scolded for being weak and careless.
i was that kid who always ended up being one of the worst students in the best class, in the best school
– that i never asked to be in,
got my self-worth bruised so badly to the point i was horrified of the idea of school.
Growing up –
i trained myself to rely on myself, and a few of those whom i trust,
but that tendency seemed to attract the very wrong people.
i tried to push through,
ended up crying alone on the staircase numerous times,
blaming myself i wasn’t strong enough, determined enough, good enough –
over and over again
i tried not to play the victim when my relationship turned sour,
but people never cry for or with the bad guy, don’t they?
– do they ever wonder what’s Joker’s back stories,
what made him that way?
i was told my ego was too big countless times,
– even by the only few people i let my guards down with,
but little do they know, i just couldn’t find the words to say –
why i was wired that way, why everything seemed so hard with me
– why “so self-destructive”, even suicidal at times?
i never knew much about sharing, opening up and asking for help,
until very recently.
i started opening up, i asked for help when i needed it.
suddenly the weight on my shoulders was lifted,
by people who are not even my close friends.
today, i felt so bad i messaged one of my bestfriends,
asking “are you still awake? can i talk to you please?”
she messaged me right back and stayed up until one plus in the morning to video chat with me,
from the very intense stuff, we carried on talking about how they’re selling toilet papers at $14 over in DC where she is,
and our favorite Trevor Noah’s comedy bits came up, how i think he’s so cute
she told me how proud she is of me for pusing through my darkest hours
for the state of my headspace now, the progress that she knew i fought very hard for,
she told me it’s not fair for someone who witnessed my struggles,
but still attempted to bring me down.
for that, i’m relieved,
and forever grateful.
i turned to Thích Nhất Hạnh’s book “Reconcilation: Healing the inner child”
he said that we should talk directly to the child in us with the language of love, saying:
“in the past, i left you alone. i went away from you. now, i am here for you. i will take care of you”,
“darling, i am here for you. i will take good care of you. i know that you suffer so much. i have been so busy”,
“i have neglected you, and now i have learnt a way to come back to you”
so i did just that, and heard what she needed to say,
shed some tears, took a much needed nap,
ate some noodles, talked to my mom with the hopes to help her feel better.
Hopefully a journey to heal a wounded child in me would start from today,
– the day i intentionally, truly asked for help,
and listened to my vulnerability talking –
i hear YOU, child. It’s been rough for you.
there there, i hear YOU.
and for those who need some comforting words of wisdom to heal your inner wounded child, here’s the link to Thich Nhat Hanh’s Kindle book:
i really hope you’re well.